Cliches

I want to engage you in a conversation about cliche.

I'm not talking about those dreary writing cliches but rather those tidy little things we say to one another when we either don't know what to say to someone or frankly [Scarlett] we just don't give a damn. Let's be truthful shall we? Since when do any of the following cliches really make a difference:

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
You  can get through this, you're a survivor.
You need to understand they're mean to you because they are jealous of you.
Be the bigger person.
We all need to have a sense of humor (even when grossly offensive things are said).
God will never give you more than you can handle.
You need to see things from the other person's perspective.
Work...work hard...work will see you through. (Tom Hank's character in Sleepless in Seattle)

Those are just a few off the top of my head. 

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

care enough to actually listen

1. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? 

So prove that to me because from where I stand, that's faulty logic. If something doesn't kill us it's because it doesn't have the power to do so. If it did...let's face it..it would. Just because we aren't dead doesn't mean that by default we are stronger for surviving.  It means we aren't dead. Oh...I know...you are thinking but we can CHOOSE to be stronger for our difficulties that don't end our life. Okay, maybe that's true. That's a reasonable approach to take and yet, how many times have you or someone you know said that to a loved one or friend who was struggling and you had no idea what to say to them? And rather than take time out to help them through the process of finding an actual answer you dismissed them with a trite little diddy in the hopes of escaping more conversation that didn't concern you.

2. You can get through this, you're a survivor. 

Alright, I've survived but what you aren't addressing is this: Am I thriving? Life shouldn't just be about survival though it most certainly is a part of getting through all the bumps and rocky places we trudge through. Living is more than survival. It's about joy, fulfillment, self-actualization, love, learning and growth. Again, how is telling me that I'm a survivor helping me?

3. You need to understand that they are mean to you because they are jealous of you.

Sure, many times this is true. But then, sometimes people are mean because we aren't so nice to them. And sometimes they are mean because they are mean and they like being mean. And since when do we need to understand why someone is mean to us as if that excuses their bad behavior? I recently had an interview with a man whom I respect. He wanted me to understand why someone had been so cruel and aggressive towards me. He asked me to understand them for my own sake and to forgive them. I wanted to shout at him (I didn't, you can be proud of me, my children). After all, I don't go around lashing out at others in an effort to feel better about myself. Instead, I asked him why the suffering of someone else was more important than my own? Understanding that the person is jealous, petty and down right malicious because of their own bad choices doesn't make me feel sorry for them. In fact, I think they need to suffer the consequences of their actions and if I, do as others and give them a pass because they are "suffering", then I'm enabling them in their bad behavior and only encouraging them to do it some more.

4. Be the bigger person. 

Well, given the difficulty with my weight, I'm already that but I'm quite certain that's not what people are referring to. This is meant to mean, that even in the face of abject hatred and aggression, I'm to extend a hand of friendship to my enemy. Let me just ask: Would we tell someone who has been stabbed by another person, "It's okay, you go hang out with them and befriend them. Don't mind the repeated stabbings, they just have issues." Now...now don't tell me it's not the same thing. Because it soooo freaking is! We wouldn't dream of putting ourselves in harms way by walking out into the middle of rush hour traffic but for the sake of societal customs we expect ourselves and others to "turn the other cheek".  I don't know about you, but I'm sick of being slapped.

5. We all need to have a sense of humor (even when grossly offensive things are said). 

And we've come full circle again. I realize that in today's age, sometimes we can be a little too PC (Politically Correct is yet another cliche...and no don't get me started). I agree, we can be oversensitive at times. YET, I don't think that's a bad thing and here's why: It helps to keep the socially backward in check and remind us that people have feelings. People like me (yes me)  who don't think it's funny when a university professor spouts off in class by saying, "I think all fat people should be put in the cargo hold."  Really? (Excuse me, do you mind being on hold while I phone my attorney to see if that's actionable and let's see how much of a sense of humor you, my learned professor and certain of my fellow students are expelled for your offensive discussions)

6. God will never give you more than you can handle. 

Are they God? I see you shaking your head no so you obviously know they're not. It's not God who is being obnoxious, insensitive, cruel, maniacal, manipulative, menacing, and down right vicious. God has nothing to do with those actions. No my cupcakes, that's us. We are the ones who need to own up to the things we do to other people and stop trying to pass them off as "Life's trials".

7. You need to see things from the other person's perspective.

 Oh yeah? Who says? They? Well let me tell you a little bit about what I've learned from "they". They don't care if I see things from their perspective because they aren't interested in me understanding them. They are only interested in them (another form of they). I once had a therapist (yes, I've gotten help) who told me that 95% of what we spend our day thinking about is ourselves and 5% about others. I'll tell you what, that opened my mind to a lot of possibilities. In particular when he also added "So what they say and do isn't really about you, but all about them."

Or is that yet just another cliche?

I think I've probably given you enough to contemplate for today but let me part with this simple message:  STOP FREAKING PLACATING OTHERS.

now that's a magic hug!

If you really care (I know some of us really do) then put down your digital device and listen to them and at the end of it all, if all you can say is, "I'm sorry I don't know what to say to help but I care and I'll listen to you when ever you need me to and by the way, here's a magic hug (my kids and hubby give the best ones), well then, at least you were HONEST about it.

Learn, really learn that giving out platitudes shows how LITTLE we care and reveals a side of us we probably don't want to be seen.